4 Jan


When love is gone, it helps to know what your options are. How old are you, how miserable are you, how much better off will you be if you leave?

These are not questions to ask of yourself without help. People contemplating leaving a loveless marriage should consider therapy with a counselor specializing in marriage. If therapy is not an option, make lists.

Lists should include risk and benefit. This is a cold way of looking at it, but necessary because leaving a loveless marriage is a cold thing to do if you’re wrong. And you could very possibly be wrong because you can’t look into the heart of another, even if you are close. If you’re not close now, because of time, or because of the effects of tragedy (losing a child, financial problems, illness) that doesn’t mean you should toss the marriage out.

So creating a list including risk and benefit is a good exercise, which will create a tool that enables you to analyze whether or not to leave a marriage.

On the risk side, you could put two columns. One column would be the risks to yourself, and one column would be the risks to your current partner.

On the benefit side, you could do the same thing, enabling you to analyze the risks to yourself, and to your partner.

Questions on the risk side could include: how do you handle loneliness? What are you chances for financial distress? What is your age? What would the effect of divorce be on your children if you have them?

Questions on the benefit side would echo the ones on the risk side, and include: how much happier would you be without the partner? Why?

Separately, analyze why you don’t love. Have you found someone else?

People who have found another person to satisfy their desire for sex or affection will usually not ‘love’ their significant other because romantic love can be likened to any other entity…in that when it’s removed from one spot, it creates a vacuum which needs to be filled with something else. During difficult or stressful times in a marriage, when one party or both do not feel ‘love’, but instead feel anger, stress, or a combination of both, they may look for satisfaction from another person. This will very often simply kill any shred of ‘love’ remaining between the married couple.

Just remember, that love is a decision. If you had it, and it’s gone, that was a decision too. It’s not an irreversible one. But it’s still a decision.

If you leave, this is a decision to make sure that you leave love. Because while you are in a loveless marriage, your only decision is to keep it loveless. It’s still a marriage. You can decide to make it a loving marriage, or not. Once you leave, that decision is over. It’s time to carve out a new life for yourself.




  1. Tweets that mention WOULD YOU STAY IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE? « It's Indy Online -- Topsy.com - January 5, 2011

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Indy Smith . Indy Smith said: [ASK INDY] News Update: WOULD YOU STAY IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE?: http://t.co/RfNfMuQ […]

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